; obscene sensuality

other crib and <3

2007-06-25T09:14:00.000+08:00

The unbelievable is happening.

5 days is all we've spent, yet it feels like we've known each other since forever.

You say I'm different, you feel different too.
Let's just hope you ARE.

And meanwhile, yes I kinda really like you. :)

OH and this is probably the end of missleespeaking.
More people know about this blog than necessary, and it's taking it's toll. People who I hope will visit this place don't and people who DO visit this place may not be people I want to have trespassing on my turf.

People my new crib goes here.
I'm going to miss this place though, but I figured it's time to hit the roads again.

Goodbye missleespeaking, you've been good while it lasted.

An Old Favourite

2007-06-22T13:41:00.000+08:00

which speaks quite a bit for me.

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around
like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn't be that man I adored
You don't seem to know,
don't seem to care
what your heart is for
But I don't know him anymore
There's nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
That's whats going on,
nothing's fine I'm torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late, I'm already torn

So I guess the fortune teller's right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now
I don't care, I have no luck, I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things that I can't touch, I'm torn

Torn.

I've a lot of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I'm ashamed bound and broken on the floor
You're a little late, I'm already torn.

Again I have to say, maybe I just didn't know you well enough.
And yes you're right, I'm blind and stupid.
(look at who just shot himself in the foot)

Really, I'll never forget the day you walked out my door.
I should have realised everything ended at that exact moment you went through those gates.

No I didn't look at all.
I didn't have to, and even more say, didn't dare to.
I wanted to run after you,
scream for you to stay,
but I know you won't.
Situation was something you wouldn't want to face/handle. Anymore.

My world was spiraling,
and I was positive I'll never survive that night.

Then again I did survive, eventually.
After weeks of endless tears and falling sick, I did.

More than ever now, I will.
I don't need you anymore,
and I'll do much better without you.

Even if I die trying.

they're still ringing in my head

2007-06-22T10:42:00.000+08:00

"Oh and if you're gonna drink and get drunk later on?
Tell me before hand, so that you I don't have to wake up 3 hours into my sleep and go all the way to town to fetch you home or save you from some random guy.
I CAN do it, but you know what, let's be considerate."

(Ouch)
it stings so bad my tears were falling as I was descending those escalators in the train station. your jacket felt increasingly heavy in my bag.

Just how do you manage to land me in this state all the time?

You make me want to waste myself away,
make me want to scream some truth in your face,
make me want to feel wanted,
make me wanna just break down and die in front of you.

And you know the biggest difference between us?

Let's put it this way.
If you have any means for me to know how you're doing, I will definitely check it.
You on the other hand, shun it so that you don't feel the sting.

deadly wants.

2007-06-21T09:37:00.000+08:00

I'm getting increasingly asphyxiated.
(this loneliness is killing me.)
God, help me hold on to what I want.
(don't make me succumb to this emotion.)
I don't wanna slip away, not just yet.
'Cos miracles do happen sometimes.

I'll be waiting for you to come.
And Hongky, you're a lucky girl. Don't ever let go if you do get him.

regretful moments.

2007-06-19T00:54:00.000+08:00

Butter Factory was Plan B after not being able to get into MOS for Promiscuous on Wednesday.

(thanks to Sebas we were all stuck outside MOS)

It was fun, then again not so.

I owe you one there, boy.
Thanks for not killing me.

hello best friend

2007-06-13T15:50:00.000+08:00

I really can't remember the last time we actually sat down and talked.

I read your blog and I realise
I'm clueless about your current happenings.
I don't understand those abstract phrases you make anymore.

I know you don't really need me around to be there for you as much as before but hey,

I really do miss you.

Don't wanna sound love sick but I miss you.
If not for the differences your girlfriend and I are having,
I really wouldn't mind going over to your house/school, just to spend some time with you.
(at times like this I regret having started off on the wrong foot with your girl)

Updating you and being updated,
and sharing comfortable silences.

Just like we did more than a month ago.

too much waiting lands you good stuff

2007-06-11T14:32:00.000+08:00

so we went to some bloody underage party @ DXO on Thursday thanks to Nison and the rest of those who weren't able to get themselves into a proper place.

The wait was long cos the organisers of the party had monetary disputes with DXO management, and in the end we only got in at about 12.30am, after a raid (thank goodness).

nothing's changed.
I still dislike DXO,
I still hate underage partys.

but to hell with it, we still enjoyed ourselves cos we partyed with the organisers, and being with them means TONNES OF FREE DRINKS! Almost gone there. Almost.

Nison (without an alcohol tag) got drunk.
But the bouncer couldn't catch him in the act so he can't do anything. HAHAHA.
and Agnes, you were way too high after one just one shot honey.

look at Nison in that bottom right picture.
weird eyes and weird mouth with flying hands just mean one thing,
you've had too much for the night already. lol.

After the party ended, Mitchell decided we should head to bras basar for breakfast.
Along the way, fatigue and alcohol sank in and we chilled outside the raffles city cartel where we took crazy photos, and broke some stuff.

OK confession.
Mitcthell and I.
We were trying to sit on the tables outside cartel and with his weight down on the table as well, it decided to give way and "PRACK" followed by "OH SHIT" followed by non-stop giggling.

as for crazy photos:

and the following is one that made all of us fall to the ground laughing.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Mitchell's ass looks like a fucking balloon

woah.

2007-06-06T23:57:00.000+08:00

" Guess I won't be hearing from you anymore la.
Since I noticed you've even returned me some stuff that were meant to be gifts from me.
Ok. Have a great life.
Really."

Embrace yourself Crystal, for this time round it'll be for real.
I'll need more apathy,
more anesthesia.

I'll need more reminder.

Of how and why
I don't love you, like I did yesterday.

the 100th post

2007-06-06T02:21:00.000+08:00

so cool.

so in the past few days days I've:
(in chronological order)

- met up with Caryn and Ryuta (loves! do that again soon aites.)
- crashed ah ban's place, spent the whole night playing a censored game and mahjong
- had a drink at No. 5 Bar with the mom <3
- sheesha + beer with Simonne, Ban, Mitchell, and Sean
- sheesha + beer with the loved loved Hongky(I LOVE YOU TOO BABY GIRL)
- Anberlin gig(that we didn't catch) at Home Club with Mitchell, Agnes, and her emo emo friends (no offence reuben!)
- went to the doctor to heal my injured nipple (trust me it felt super weird)

why do I feel like this is such a useless/dry/standard operation procedure kinda post?

relationships, marriage, and skepticism

2007-06-01T12:07:00.000+08:00

So you grew up knowing your grandma's marriage screwed up.
Then you witnessed the sacrifices made for a large family. Worth it or not.
Next thing you know, being filial is one thing that killed your uncle's 12 year relationship.

And just when you thought you're the only full and healthy household in the family, it had to screw up and go down the drain too.

You have a mom who values the relationship with her child very much and would rather treat you like an adult, telling you everything that's happening in the house, telling you all her thoughts/insecurities/suspicions.

your upbringing that made you severely skeptical tells you that no,
all men are the same, they all cheat.
just a matter of whether they come back after they do.

it engraved this mindset deeply in you that marriage is a big black coffin where everything will spiral downwards from there. it will reach a stage where nothing about yourself matters anymore and all that you center your life around is your kid.
just like my mom.

this is how i grew up.

stereotyping and posing certain frames were never correct but that was how I viewed love, viewed relationships.

You don't want to be lonely so you find yourself a man and when you've found THE ONE,
it's inevitable that you'll want to throw it all away, skepticism and all, and think that no, it's going to be different for the two of you and yes, you want to tie the knot.

2-5 years down the road you'll be cursing yourself at the stupidity you committed before marriage, passing it off as nothing more than a hangover mistake.

if you don't have kids yet, good for you.
divorce would be easier to handle.
if you do? good luck.

So tell me. What's the point in marriage?

If your ultimate goal in life is to have a family of your own, raise kids, fine by me. You have the end in mind. But if what if you don't?

What if you, like me, find it all a pointless game where neither wins but both gets injured, will you still jump into marriage?

So if you don't plan to even step near marriage, what if you meet the man that does?
Does this mean you should really just stop getting involved in serious relationships until you see the point in settling down or find someone just like you?

Teach me how not to be skeptical.

And to those who got hurt because of my insecurities and skepticism,
I'm sorry if I ever did malign you about who you're with and what you're doing,
or push you away thinking it's going to end up doomed anyway.

I'm a tough nut to crack if you really understand how I grew up
and the consequences it brought to me.

maybe all i need is someone patient and careful enough
to remove these stones around my heart bit by bit, one by one.

so much i want to say

2007-06-01T10:55:00.000+08:00

but after staring at this box for 1 minute I decided that my brain makes up of this:

!!#$%^&*(O))(*&amp;^%$!@#$!@#$%^&*()_+{":>?"{}{_)(*&^%$#@#$%^!!
@#$%^&*(*&amp;^%$#$%^&*()(*&^%$#@)*)*&*(^$#@#$%^&{:<>?"{"?>"{}}"?"}|}{{_)(*&^%
@#$%^&*()(*&amp;^%$#@#$%^&*()_)}{:><>?"}|}{_)(*&^%$
oh and before I forget,
)(*&^%$#@@#$%^&amp;*()_{|}{:L<>?"{+_)(*&^%@#$%^&*()(*&^%$#@#$%^&*

somebirdie save me from me please.
and and and meanwhile, sort out my thoughts and put it into words for me.

48 hours of this song

2007-05-31T00:03:00.000+08:00

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her skies

I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you...
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...

Till I find somebody new

(curls up in one corner screaming in silence)

i don't know anymore

2007-05-30T00:30:00.000+08:00

you're a bit of this
every now and then.
(just tell me what am I supposed to make of it)

say it like you mean it, please.

bend and break

2007-05-28T15:00:00.000+08:00

Phuture + MOS was fun but gone horribly wrong towards the end.

(ok wrong cos I don't remember anything that happened and -.)
Big thanks to Sean and Mei Yun for carrying me home.
Sorry to Elaine for ditching you on the dance floor.

so gone i was.

And urgh.
Fuck you, whoever you are that I can't recall.
People like you should be shot.

flashback

2007-05-28T11:56:00.000+08:00

iTunes was running freely.

This song played.
All of a sudden I'm reminded.

We were lying next to each other,
looking into each other's eyes.

This song was playing:

No one ever saw me like you do
All the things that I could add up too
I never knew just what a smile was worth
But your eyes see everything without a single word

'Cause there's somethin' in the way you look at me
It's as if my heart knows you're the missing piece
You make me believe that there's nothing in this world I can't be
I never know what you see
But there's somethin' in the way you look at me

If I could freeze a moment in my mind
It'll be the second that you touch your lips to mine
I'd like to stop the clock, make time stands still
'Cause, baby, this is just the way I always wanna feel

'Cause there's somethin' in the way you look at me
It's as if my heart knows you're the missing piece
You make me believe that there's nothing in this world I can't be
I never know what you see
But there's somethin' in the way you look at me

I don't know how or why I feel different in your eyes
All I know is it happens every time

The way you look at me

Mushy enough, we were howling along while still looking into each other's eyes.

I think I miss that moment.

Then again memories are just what they are, memories.
They hold no power to bring back anything or change anything.

up next

2007-05-25T13:55:00.000+08:00

(as i said, I know I don't usually say this but)
CHEE BYE LA I SPILT ICE LEMON TEA ON MY LAPTOP.

please don't die the way yeh ying's died.
don't die on me please.

FUCK IT LA FUCK IT LA.
so much for thinking everything was going right for once.

25

2007-05-25T11:09:00.000+08:00

mutters obscenities.
(Everything has been going so gravely right since this morning)

2 months ago on this day I :
- did my hair
- went for the gas haus gig
- went to the station to visit him

1 month ago on this day I :
- woke up early to wait for him
- went for lunch in town with him
- drove for the first time
- spent the night at sentosa in a tent by the beach with him

Today I :
- Actually woke up 30 minutes earlier than usual.
- Reached school on time for the 2nd time this year.
- Had fruits early in the morning.
- Donned on spectacles looking like a sexay geek.
(although it was in preparation for wearing my contact lenses at night)
- Am hitting the clubs with MY, Sean, Mitchell, Jerome, and Alvin.
(new crowd, hope they clique.)
- Am expecting myself to get wasted totally.

I thought I'll never survive today.
I thought I'll be missing you to the bits.
Strangely though,
I never thought I'll be feeling this emotionless.
Too emotionless.

Like everything I expected would happen today isn't happening.
(and everything I didn't expect to happen IS taking place)

-trepidation-
What's up next I wonder.

and there are the times

2007-05-24T09:26:00.000+08:00

when you really do hope that what you hear everyone is telling you isn't true.

at all.
(but then again it'll make things hard for me)
and i hate to say you're still on my mind all the time.
I don't know anymore myself anymore.
I don't know what to think of the situation.

Apathy is good sometimes, provided that you manage to practice it.

friday night out

2007-05-22T12:58:00.001+08:00

So we had the long awaited Home Club session last Friday.
The usuals (Hongky and Kenneth) plus Audrey! and Nigel.

Swear I've never seen anyone with a more China man look.

It was good as usual, and made even better with the non-stop alcohol and 2nd hand 1st hand smoking. Every throat surgeon's nightmare I trust, but never the less high high high.

Well we started out glam enough with the first drinks down,

but as the night went by,

i was reduced to not even remembering what I was doing.

According to them I was:
- dragging people around on the dance floor
- hitting on the manager
- hit on by the bouncer
- giggling non stop lying on the floor (wait I think I remember this one)

HAHA, total embarrassment. What was I doing/thinking?! The MANAGER? Sheesh.

Towards the end I realised (from Si Hong's blog) that I was caught in tonnes of mega-unglamness photographs.

Such as:
dozing off on the floor.

and waking up to the 2nd blinding flashlight.

and worst still stupid grins.

AS COMPARED to the 5 am me on the last last home visit:

there there. big difference, no?

ANYWAY, sucks to say Home is addictive.
(esp that hawt hawt door bitch that I so don't mind making out with. HAHAHA.)
Book me now for the next session please girls! (=

(added on)
How could I have forgotten to mention.
Miyanaga! Thanks for everything last night. <3 It was interesting hearing an asshole tell me about the ways of another asshole.

Thanks honey (and you should really stop squinting) (:

Speeches You Hide At The Bottom Of Your Heart

2007-05-11T17:52:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, we really want to tell someone something form the bottom of our hearts but then again, you don't know how to put it so you decide to procrastinate and do it like, next week.

Of course, time won't stand still for you. Before we manage to say it, things already take on changes and there's no point in saying whatever you wanted to say anymore.

I'm sure everyone has been through this before.

There was this time where I had some conflicts with a friend, but due to assignments that needed submission that few days, I pushed him aside saying,
"I don't want to talk about this now!"

At that point of time he said,
" Oh ok, we'll wait a few days then."

After finally finishing up what I had to do, I was in a much better mood and started thinking back about the whole conflict over and over again. I was thinking to myself that when we meet a few days later, I'm going to tell him what I think, then apologise.

Yet, when we met, we were both so hard up on dignity that I eventually did not apologise. I thought to myself again, maybe next time. Next time when we aren't in such a hurry and can talk things out I will apologise.

Thing is, before the next time comes, something else happened and by then, when I say what I wanted to say initially, would he still believe me? No. He'll definitely think that you're just trying to defend yourself for the new issue that arised instead of believing that it was truely your original intention. No matter what I say, it's not going to change the truth anymore.

We ALWAYS like to keep things in our heart and not say it, due to pride and probably a whole buch of other stupid reasons.

3rd day of missing school this week

2007-05-11T17:15:00.000+08:00

and given that Wednesdays are off, I was only in school on Monday and disappeared the rest of the bloody damn week being sick sick and sick.

Crystal, you need to get well and head back to school like everyone is nagging at you to.
(or more like just Melvin, Zeraynne and Mitchell all the time. HAHA.)

It's 5.18pm, I finally woke up for the second time cos I kept dreaming that I had stuff to do online so here I am. And guess what I just did.

I went to my private PRIVATE blog,
(don't bother to start searching for it now, I've restricted the access anyway)
and shamefully, very shamefully, I began deleting away certain entries that I so confusedly/emotionally blogged about -. (no not my ex-boyfriend)

Yes I had to go so low as to deleting them to bluff myself they never happened, and even more so that I'll not have to be reminded about them everytime I see that blog. I realised that the whole episode of - is so ugly that I feel pained to be reminded of it, because along with the memories comes the reminder of how stupid I once was.

All those emotions, it was nothing more than me trying to convince myself I'm not doing the wrong thing, but in fact I was really just too lonely. Nothing more. Yes I feel disgusted about things that happened, how I kept feeding myself excuses to stay on "just a little longer".

(I think Bella knows what I'm referring to here, no not smoking if you're thinking that.)

Crystal, you're disgusting sometimes.

so much that need not be said

2007-05-09T18:14:00.000+08:00

loves.

the sweetest thing

2007-05-09T00:51:00.000+08:00

all done now

2007-05-08T16:51:00.000+08:00

For everything that happened last night I have to say,

you gave me all the wrong answers.

To everyone else,
we've officially broken up.
no questions please.

higher hopes, greater disappointment.

2007-05-07T09:16:00.001+08:00

So I said I'm ready to be over it.
You said you wanna meet up, hang out, I loved the idea.

Afterall, I did miss you a hell lot.
As much as I told myself not to get my hopes high, I was hoping it'll be a turning point.
But you had to spoil things by being shit stubborn, refusing to even apologise.

And now you're probably wondering why I didn't mention break-up after "lecturing" you as you called it. (I can't believe you were even telling me to shut up)
So much for hoping you'll change your mind, when you don't even see the need to apologise.

Don't be sorry, I've given up hope already.
Upbringing is different I understand.

It's just..
I'm crushed to remember how I thought you were my unintended.

This WAS for you.

You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You could be the one Ill always love
You could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions
You could be the one Ill always love

Ill be there as soon as I can
But Im busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

First there was the one who challenged
All my dreams and all my balance
She could never be as good as you

You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You should be the one Ill always love

Ill be there as soon as I can
But Im busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

Ill be there as soon as I can
But Im busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before

Before you

renewed, refreshed.

2007-05-06T16:17:00.000+08:00

So I spent the night out at Orchard Scotts (new condo in newton)
on a free trail stay opened to the project team who did up the architectural stuff.

Coolness when you have a friend's dad who has all these lobangs can! If you wanna really stay there, you have to be an expat that can afford lodging in a place thats $1.6k psf.

Really nice place if you ask me, but of course the company was even better. (;

We talked the whole night, till like a freaking 5-6am when we were falling asleep on the couch.
Gained fresh perspectives (thanks to Sharon too, after service) about my situation, and with everything I've heard I'm no longer afraid to let go if I need to.

Thanks to all who were worried and concerned, I'm pretty much back to my normal self now.

OH YES AND SOMETHING FUNNY HAPPENED.

Bella, Audrey, and I decided to be kids for a while when we spotted an irresistable playground.
We almost died laughing.
(do on the volume so you'll hear how hysterical we were)

Then it was my turn.
Now I know how that fast action thing that most MTVs have were filmed.
(again, on the volume)

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

to everyone concerned about me

2007-05-01T23:24:00.000+08:00

No, I'm not ok.

Stop asking me, I don't wanna keep repeating the story.
(unless you're one of my girlfriends, which yes I need you girls very much.)

Status right now?
We're taking a break off each other. Spend some time alone to think.

to you: please make sense of everything and start thinking along my lines, because it's not that I can't live without you, but I don't want to.

sitting in the train

2007-04-30T11:46:00.000+08:00

all alone this morning.

for the thousand and one time i was:
spacing out, nose feeling sour, eyes feeling wet.

(Crystal be strong, you're on your own.)
where're you?

My Heart Hangs By The Thread

2007-04-25T00:40:00.000+08:00

in your hands.

You seem to have totally taken over me,
devoured my senses and physical/mental coordination,
and left me handicapped yet abounded.

My mood is in your hands.
You're the reason I'm laughing effusively,
the reason I'm crying my heart out,
the reason why I'm taking in deep breaths and grin myself silly.

My fortress is in your hands.
It's in them that i can bury myself into,
in them that I can be myself,
in them that I seek refuge and feel strong.

My alleviation is in your hands.
Hold me tight and choke me,
it's ok because it's the closest I can get without melting into you.
Really, it's the best remedy there is for shit that happens.

My immunity is in you.
No one out there can hurt me anymore because I know I have you.
Assuage is an understatement.

My fear is in your hands.
One small move, one tiny gesture,
I can go crazy insecure (and diffident),
paranoid that I might lose you.

My heart is in your hands.
Take good care of it,
for hardly anyone manages to get in touch with it.
(You're doing good right now.)

EDDIE, I LOVE YOU. i really do.
Happy 1st Month <3

it's in the way you look at me.

The Girlfriends

2007-04-20T15:20:00.000+08:00

RECOGNISE THIS? (;
Yes darlings, so I got myself very busy lately but hey hey hey!

I MISS YOU GIRLS so meat up soon ok.
(and this includes Terkey Fuckerette Tan.)

LITTLE MISS PEBBLES

2007-04-18T16:40:00.000+08:00

THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME LOVE YOU.

So maybe my reaction on the day I received this gift from you wasn't as you expected. BUT BUT BUT! It was all due to the shock from the blood and all. How could anyone be too excited in a situation as such? So sorry to disappoint you with the lack of screaming, but I LOVED IT REALLY REALLY REALLY <3

Guess what people, this sweet boyfriend of MINE liaised with my mom and when I got home at 12.40am on tuesday, I opened my wardrobe door and saw this:

This lovely bag in Wanderlust that I've been eyeing since forever. It's a whopping 300 buckeroos la! PLUS, it's the last piece.
So the story goes like this:

Last thursday = Pay day
Rushed to Far East straight from the station after work
Rushed home afterwards to hide it
Was supposed to put hide it in my house on Saturday when I go out with Wei How and all
In the end I didn't go out
Continue hiding it in his house
Went out with me on Monday after school
Hide it at my house before he went to meet me
Went home with me
I went to change
you know the story.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
This is like LOVE LOVE LOVE can.
He named it for me:

LITTLE MISS PEBBLES <3

as i said

2007-04-16T09:32:00.000+08:00

in my other private ranting space, I'm looking back at many things that happened before the boyfriend and guess what?

With all that amount of drama going on you'd have thought at least a hundred days went by but really, it was merely 30 days.

In 30 days I have:

- stopped smoking
- given away a little something very precious that i've been keeping (on audrey's birthday!)
- broke out of shit and staying away
- found myself the boyfriend
- or more like really REALLY fell in love

I have to admit though.
Looking back at posts in the other blog, I feel like I have seriously overestimated my maturity. I thought but I didn't really think. Many situations were handled in a rather immature way that I would never have done if I were a little more sober.

Drunk, I was.
But that's ok, you'll keep me sober.

Although I look back, don't mistaken me. I don't regret.
( well maybe a LITTLE cos seriously I would rather have known you earlier [= )
I just look back at the shit hole I fell in to, survey the surroundings, and learn how NOT to fall back into shit holes as such.

i love you boyfriend

so you'd rather i cough in your face

2007-04-10T17:06:00.000+08:00

Diseased and confined.

Yes that's what the boyfriend and I are currently, although I've pretty much recovered and so has he under my special remedy care. *winks*

Was at TTSH yesterday since he was covered, (not that it made any difference to a non-civil defence person aka me). Singapore seems to have been taken over by this epidemic judging by the amount of people in the queue sporting the same lethargy from the same fucking flu. The freaking queue took 1 hour to move 18 numbers down and we were 30 numbers away so waiting time to see the doctor took like, 3 hours. The doctor just emphasized us getting the flu from each other. freaking himbo, i wonder how he passed med school back then.

Entertainment is luxury in a wretched hospital as such, but we managed to find it after all.

What else did you expect us to find in a hospital?

So we had fun cam-whoring in the walkway with tonnes of passer-bys glaring but who cares? Fun was more important. Besides, we were just being considerate citizens so why give us the look as if this mask is so offensive? (as my mask says, I'M JUST BEING NICE.) I bet those who glare are those idiots who usually sneeze/cough without covering their bloody damn mouths.

Walked to town from TTSH after we were finally done (yes with the mask still on). The amount of stares we were getting escalated as 2 idiots walked hand in hand through town behaving as if we were celebrities dodging paparazzi.
I had to admit, we looked hot together. HAHAHAHA.

THIS is my idea of a fun day off.
(although taking care of you at night wasn't SO fun especially when I've never took care of anyone sick before. HAHA! I know you love me.)

what did i do

2007-04-05T00:01:00.000+08:00

to deserve you in my life, you say?

Well lover, you're the answer to my prayers.
The one I've been in search for all these time.

That question should be mine to ask.

YAY!

2007-03-30T17:19:00.000+08:00

Seriously, 12 hours of not being able to reach you while you were on the job freaked me out.

I thought you were burnt/trapped or whatever dramatic and crazy things that happens to firemen. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

BUT all that aside I'm still glad that you were mine from the point you knocked off yesterday till this moment you're still next to me as I'm blogging.

I love it that you're the last thing I see before I sleep and first thing I see when I wake up in the morning. (wriggles under your covers)

Stay the night, again?

Anyways I find it sweet how you're adapting to so many changes in your life at my expense. I really am touched by all the effort you put into this relationship like how you don't mind learning all this weird things with my family.

Really, I appreciate you for this.

LOVE YA. (although you look pretty constipated here.)

I really don't know

2007-03-26T22:19:00.000+08:00

how long we'll be but for now, I love you. (and you're probably shocked I said it first)

For what happened this afternoon over lunch.
For making me spill tears of joy. (something that haven't done in a long time)
For all the times you confirmed me and made me reconsider my insecurities.
For chasing me away from the station when you realised I was feeding mosquitoes.
For taking me by storm.
For making me feel nervous and child-like.
For being the more mature one instead.
For assuring me that I'm beautiful even when I feel not so.
For having the exact same concerns as me when we started out.
For being afraid that you might scare me off as the guy so much older.
(I was worried that I'm too young for you.)
For thinking that I was taking it casually when really, I thought you were the casual one instead.
For being brave enough to step up to the task.
For washing the dishes now.

For helping me find my way back into love.

still these are my favourite lines.

2007-03-22T14:12:00.000+08:00

" Look into my eyes and tell me you're not in love with me."

" I'm NOT in love with you."

"You just lied."

Shuffles feet, looks down on the floor.

"I'M your stranger. Jump!"

- lines from Closer (Julia Roberts & Jude Law)

bewilderment

2007-03-20T22:37:00.000+08:00

My mom doesn't nag.
In fact she hardly tells me what to do with my life unless she sees I'm really screwing it up
(like now).

But just 2 hours ago after dinner we had a long chat (it's been a while since we did) and it's concerning how I should brace myself up and hold my head up high again. She can't stand what I'm doing to myself now and is rather shaken by my actions.

I mean I do know I'm not being myself for the past 9 months at least but if it reaches a stage when you feel humiliated to be told stuff like that by your mom, you'll know how bad it's gone.

My question here is:
Eddie, just what did you tell her?

(i'm puzzled)
Deleted.

how fucking slow can I be.

2007-03-18T21:43:00.000+08:00

I just realised how much drama you and your girlfriend has been putting on the blogs for the past 3 days. Damn and I had to hear it from someone else. People who asked me, "Just what did you say over the phone?"

Seriously if you felt that way, don't say "It's ok la" or "Nothing la" when I ask you about it. Just fucking tell me how it has been between you two!
How many years, how many tears have I shed at your expense? And now you rather just express everything on the damn bloody blog publicising it. If all that you said helped you 2 stop quarrelling, congrats. But I never said I was ready to be sacrificed like this. Not by YOU of all people who'll do such things at least.

Thanks for not even trying to defend me in front of her, seriously I think your messed up. With all that she said about me I think all you did was laugh, didn't you? Thank you my love.

(to your girlfriend) PLEASE GET THIS RIGHT. If you wanna continue doing your bitchy shit and be so fucking domineering then fine. You're making the person I'm talking about here lose all the friends. Get this, you don't like me but we all fucking hate you. You seemed to have done nothing but bring out the worst in our best friend.

(to you) Maybe even 10 years don't count once you acquired your girl. She seemed to have taken your life away. Leave her and she'll be a happy feather again? Fine if that's what you want. I have never liked her, EVERY SINGLE THING I DID AROUND HER (including painfully talking to her) WAS JUST SO THAT YOU DON'T FEEL SO BAD THAT WE'RE ON BLOODY BAD TERMS. If you're thinking I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, think again honey. I think your girl just made a tsunami out of a teardrop. I'll leave you too for the time being, until you stop being the less senseless person you've become. Don't worry cos although she is doing it, you aren't losing anyone of us yet until you push us away. We're here waiting for you to come back rationale again. I'm sorry if this post does more damage than innocently picking up a phone call.

Have fun in australia.
(and I really can't believe how mean she was.)

If you seriously think

2007-03-16T11:43:00.000+08:00

that all your sacarstic remarks in the past few days can hurt me, you're wrong. It doesn't anymore.

(In fact it only makes me disgusted at how low you can get.)
Why did I even think I was falling for you already?

Seriously, all those accusations you had against me?
Well I really thought you knew better about my character. Seems like you don't.

You never took time to understand me or whatever I'm doing.
All you took note of was the stuff on the surface, but never my motives.

(Even if they were to protect you.)
I didn't want to hurt you from the start but you kept hurting the both of us instead.

If you seriously think I'm so shallow as to use such a childish way to hurt you, I guess you're the one who's childish enough to be even making such assumptions.

You and your revengeful heart caused you think that everyone is just like you.

I thought you were better than this.

and how do i forget him?

2007-03-13T18:53:00.000+08:00

People who fall out of love always ask this question.

"How do I forget him? I really want to but don't know how."
If you can't forget him, then don't.
Why struggle in pain and try so hard to forget someone? Time will help you with this wretched task.

Ok now let's say I tell you NOT to think of a pink elephant.
What did you think of?
Naturally the first thing you think of will be a pink elephant.

The harder you try to forget, the more you won't be able to.

Still love him/can't forget him, it's all part of the package you so willingly signed in the beginning so there's no need to be feeling guilty about it.

Some people obviously can't forget, but lie to themselves and others saying,
" I've forgotten him. "
Yet, when others bring him up, she starts losing control over her tear glands.

One day you will forget him.
Real obliteration of memories don't require hard work.

One day when you walk out of the shower, turn on your ipod, and with some random song it will dawn upon you out of the blue that you used to be in love, ah hah, you used to love him. You will find that this seems to be such a faraway memory, and that you don't even have the slightest emotional attachement to it anymore. This is forget.

One day when someone talks about this person and all of a sudden you remember that you used to love this person, but now you can't remember it. This is forget.

Painful Poet

2007-03-11T18:33:00.000+08:00

2 days ago I received the cheesiest (haha!) sms yet seen.

Where were you, my flower,
while I pined painfully for your attention.
Dinner took you away from me..
Glorious food took my Crystal away from me..

HAHAHAHAHA.
The hidden poetic qualities beneath a guy who sprays water for a living. (no offence hun ;p)

Good day people.

No More Back And Forth

2007-03-07T12:29:00.000+08:00

Dear -,

I take back everything I've said in the previous post. You were an asshole and went way over yesterday. Congrats to you, we're over. You wanted to hear it from me, now you are.

LEAVE ME.

I mean it. No more emotional attachments 'cos it's all washed away with every single word you say, things you did yesterday. As I said, remember that this time round I didn't choose to leave. You made me do it.

This is for you:

You take my hand, and you say you've changed
But boy you know your beggin don't fool me
Because to you it's just a game
(You know it's just too little too late)
So let me on down
Cause time has made me strong
I'm starting to move on
I'm gonna say this now
Your chance has come and gone

I gave you everything but it wasn't enough
And now you wanna communicate
(You know it's just too little too late)
Go find someone else
In lettin you go, I'm lovin myself
You gotta problem
But don't come askin me for help
Cause ya know
It's just too little too late
A little too wrong
And I can't wait
Boy you know all the right things to say
(You know it's just too little too late)

Grow up and be strong now. Move on, I know you can.

i don't know what to name this post

2007-03-05T19:18:00.000+08:00

Dear -,

Seriously your reaction came unexpected.
I did not even foresee it while blogging that post. I'm sorry you felt that way but don't you see it? It was something we brought upon ourselves.

The "if only's" in our relationship are:

- if only i was more firm about not feeling for you.
- if only you gave up and left.
- if only we stopped getting along so well.
- if only i didn't care so much about your feelings and went ahead with leaving you.
- if only i didn't hold so much reservations.
- if only we didn't get so physically involved.

Seriously, if this IS the end I so dreaded, there'll be pretty much a lot of places where I'll stop going to for some time because it's probably littered with traces of us being there once. Even the most innocent bus rides will be hard to bear alone I think. This is, surprisingly, devastation on my end although it is something i choose.

Do I have to make you hate me to leave me?

The Oldest Debate

2007-03-04T18:20:00.000+08:00

No it's not chicken first or egg first but rather, it's being loved happier than loving someone?

"Find someone who loves you more than you love him and you'll be happy."
I'm sure this sounds familiar.

But is it really so?

If you don't love that person, why would you feel happy to be loved by him? Unless of course you have reached nirvana, the stage where you no longer expect anything of relationships except to have someone who treats you right and does all your biddings.

To love and being loved is the same amount of agony.

To be loved by someone you don't love, is agonising. You don't love him, yet, the one you love doesn't repay your love either, so your only option is to stay next to this someone you don't love. He will do anything for you, and you can even scold him, hit him.
Better yet you can proudly tell him, "I don't love you!" When you want to cry, you can loan his arms to jump into. When you need some compliments, he will shower you with it.

Depressed, you ask him, "Why do you have to treat me this good?"

He has no reply either.

At this moment do you feel happy? Or rather, affliction?

To be loved by someone you don't love, well initially you may feel a little proud but as the days go by, you began to fear that he will be all you can ever have. Aren't you worthy of finding someone you love? But why did fate decided to send him to you? He's nice, but the nicer he is to you, the unhappier you'll be. You want him to leave, yet you fear his departure.

All you can do is to decieve yourself: To be loved is happier than to love.

The Joys Of Faking It

2007-02-21T01:04:00.000+08:00

Yes hello readers, this is Live blogging from my beloved hometown, Hong Kong.

Apparently, the government plans to crack down on pirated goods sold at the upcoming Lunar New Year fairs. "Operation Raptor" (yes, that's the name) pledges to halt the sale of luxury good and merchandise at markets all over the city. They'll have their work cut out for them, considering our city's penchant for counterfeits.

For instance, the Cheif Executive election charade continues to unfold and the government's half-hearted attempts at conservation are so blatantly counterfeit as to invoke ire among many residents. It's like the only genuine we have left in HK is the freaking Cheung Chau Bun Festival. Opps! It seems that the festival organisers have just announced that they will decorate their towers with plastic buns this year, rather than the real thing (they're not as ugly, apparently)

Ahh, fakes. We love to buy fakes, like our grade-A copy Louis Vuitton handbags, because it helps us pretend our lives are more glamourous and opulent than our pedestrian reality actually is. Likewise, our faux-bun totems on Cheung Chau help us pretend we're preserving our traditions when thery're nothing but a fake, plastic imitation.

The government buys into the same philosophy when it comes to heritage conservation, putting on a show purely for appearances. What is the point in preserving part of the clock from the old Star Ferry pier or recording it's sound to be played in the Museum of History? Demolishing and rebuilding our historical structures without the first thought to their cultural values leaves them nothing more than meaningless assemblages of bricks and motar.

Considering Murray House in Stanley Bay, once filled with historicity, now filled with Thai restaurants. Or the clock tower in Tsim Sha Tsui, once part of the original Kowloon-Canton Railway, now sticking out like a "Dolces and Gibbana" T-shirt beside the ugly-as-hell Cultural Centre and the tacky Avenue of Stars. Without it's original context, it looks about as authentically Edwardian as the new eyesore of the Star Ferry pier on the other side of the habour.

The government's holiday crackdown on the market pirates serves only to reflect the insincerity of their other pledges. They play at being more politically progressive and more concerned about the preservation of our cultural heritage than they really are, and like the somewhat unconvincing Gucci purse, if the cursory glance passes muster, that's good enough for them. Perhaps, however, they're right about one thing: we should stop being content to be palmed off with shoddy, second-hand fakes.

Happy CNY everybody.

Impulsive Kisses

2007-02-12T21:49:00.000+08:00

Damn I'll be flying off in less than 48hours yet I'm still down with flu.
Sickness, please go away before I take flight ok?

I don't wanna be sent back to Singapore for having a fever cos that's gonna be the dumbest reason ever.

(YOU should know what this title means don't you? ;p )

KKK (Kinky Korean Kid)

2007-02-08T09:54:00.000+08:00

All those dramas killed your senses and made you think koreans-kids are pure and innocent?
This might change your impression although we should not stereotype. (=

While grabbing a cuppa (yes it sounds weird now) Bubble Tea yesterday, a 16 year old kid from Catholic High next to me conversed with the bubble tea stall auntie. Here goes:

KKK: " 给我一个性感。" (give me a sexy)
Aunite: "性感？" (sexy?)
KKK's friend: "是吸管，不实性感!" (it's straw, not sexy!)

HAHAHA! After that we were talking, and I told him my mom wants to learn korean so we exchanged numbers. Funny took place from there.

SMS:

Me: " Hello Kid. Know who I am? I'm Crystal by the way."
KKK: "Hey Crystal. Pretty name. Which school do you go to?"

(and there was a long chunk of boring messages until..)

KKK: "Oh.. Can I ask you some private questions if you don't mind? I think I'm growing up I want to know these things."

Me: "Lol. Ok go ahead. I'm not blushing yet. Haha."
KKK: "Ok do you have a boyfriend?"

Me: "Haha! And I thought it was gonna be some sex-related question. No I don't. Haha. Interested in this older girl? lol."

KKK:" Haha. It's gonna get to that. Well, I think you're hot... but I know I'm too young for you )= have you had sex before? does it feel good?"

Me: "Haha, maybe you're young but you're cute. well nope, not the full package yet. You?"

KKK: "Nope, but I kissed before. HAHA. I'm so dumb. cute? does that mean I still have a chance or something? have you ever WANTED to experience sex before?"

Me: "HAHA! Are you sure this is you? Lol. So how was kissing? French? Well anyway it's normal to want to experience sex but it really depends who."

KKK: "And ya, if not full package, to what extent did you go?"

Me: "Well that's for me to know for you to find out. Lol."

KKK: "Ha, so what kind of people do you wanna experience it with?"

Me: "Well of course it's gonna be either someone I love or someone hot? Haha."

KKK: "Oh.. am I hot? haha."

Me: "Well we'll see about that kid, you'll have to flaunt your strip tease skills.
HAHA! Just kidding though."
KKK: "HAHA. yea.. oh man i'm steaming. lol. what i gotta do to make myself look hot to you?"

Me: "Lol! Kid, just wait for your time to come la. You'll grow out of this kid phase and by then surely there'l be people who find you hot. Be patient! (= "

KKK: "ok.. yeah. oh wait. Can I charge you for the lesson with a kiss? or can you let me touch your breast? please don't take me as a pervert."

Me: "You're still young! Haha. Must be the after-effects of being in a guys school or something. Well you're gonna teach my mom so you can kiss her on the cheek if you want. Lol!"

KKK: "oh man, you're teasing me. haha. but i'm not that young.. 16 you know.. never mind, i shouldn't have asked you all these now I've totally ruined my reputation. I don't seem cute now do I? damn."

Me: "Take things slow la that's all I can say."

Probably this is the trend of kids who studied in the states for 3 years and have super strict typical Korean parents who doesn't ever teach them about sex let alone know their boy-school child's sexual fantasies.

Good day people.

Suddenly Bounded.

2007-02-06T10:53:00.000+08:00

Yes you are freaking getting on my nerves and but you don't give a shit.

Gone are my days of liberty, ever since you stopped -.
I miss my freedom.

back the hell off.
don't expect to reintegrate and take control after all this growing up is done.

This Brightens My Day, Everyday.

2007-01-31T23:50:00.000+08:00

I don't know when you might decide to close your blog or delete entries so I ripped this part off it, the best part, and keep it with me forever.

I'll be your best friend to keep as long as you still want me.

Phone Rings,

2007-01-30T00:15:00.000+08:00

anonymous called.

Baby can't you see, there's tonnes around you who care but yet you're gonna let that person matter more than all our concern combined together?

And the phone call sets me into a mode of depression.

The Best Friend Turns 18.

2007-01-29T14:49:00.000+08:00

Updates updates!

Celebrated Bella's birthday last last saturday 'cos none of us were available on the actual day (which she had tonnes more fun, la!). Was a surprise, from us to her and vice versa given the sudden update she did- (girl, i never thought you'll never tell them but now that you did, does it mean you're starting to accept this twisted thing and think nothing of it?)
GIRL I LOVE YOU TONNES DESPITE -.

Anyway, cut the crap, here's the pictures.

top of the hill, lights beneath our feets.

from the top.

Part of Bella's gift. - She almost drank paper & leaves.
Hongky - We look like we're joined at the head! LOL.

Everything that need be said is said in the letter, honeybunch. Just so ya know,

WE LOVE YOU. (=

Jaded and Prostrate

2007-01-11T15:17:00.000+08:00

I am.

I need a break soon, and I mean soon.
I can feel myself falling sick.
I just want to sleep, undisturbed, for 20 hours.

Somebody please pull me out of all this and necessitate a time-out for me.

Shameless Bare-Naked Pleading

2007-01-01T20:13:00.000+08:00

Just in case you didn't see it on the other side, I moved part of it here.

Darling.
Let's just dedicate this entry to you and you should know who you are.

(censored)
I'm hating this whole thing although I'm not really involved but it hurts me deep too. I think you do realise don't you? I may be just thinking a little too much but it's scary to think nothing too but I'm seriously afraid to lose you to this situation. Be it an invisible barrier or distancing, both will NOT work for me as there are so much things that I've lost so I'd really REALLY rather not lose you too you get what I mean?

At this point of time you might probably be getting sick of me crying over this issue all the time so just slap me and tell me you've had enough if you feel that I'm over-reacting or not being mature enough about it. But just so you'll know, it's looking at it maturely that scares me all the more. Thousands upon thousands of what-ifs might set in and jeapordize everything or make all my fears reality and trust me, I'll simply die.

This may sound sick or what but really honey, I treasure you THAT much (there'll never be another you, you know what I'm saying?) to make me this hyped-up. Also, I've known you long and well enough (for your information this is the 1825th day we've been friends) to justify my fears when I see you as a sudden stranger where I no longer know how to defend for when people ask me, where I can no longer confidently speak up for you, where I don't know what's going on in your head.
BUT GET THIS STRAIGHT. Despite all this I'll still be here for you no matter how much it traumatises me and will traumatise or worry me.

So don't stop updating me.
Don't start thinking I'm a nuisance or a wet-blanket who's conservative.
Don't stop loving me.

Please.

convice me tonight at Harry's with a margarita

2007-01-01T19:23:00.000+08:00

Snatching the cigarette and threatening to crush it, he said,
" Make a decision now, and make the right one. "
" Three, two, on-"
" Ok maybe one last puff? "
" Com'on we both know it's not gonna make any difference. "
" Just let me.. "

Takes a deep puff, and cigarette got pulled out from the mouth hurriedly followed by destroying it by dipping it in candle wax.

Trashing it in the ash tray, he said,
" Don't look at this as a wasted cigarette. Look at it as a step closer to quitting. "

Thanks honey it's gonna be haunting me for some time.

8 Days In A Nutshell

2006-12-27T00:12:00.000+08:00

Ok I know it's getting stale coming over my blog and see nothing but that Guess wallet all the time so I've decided to update it after being offline for 4 days. (Gosh I missed the internet.)

8 days ago.
Pen celebrated my birthday with me in advance so that the girls can have the actual day, and HAHA, I'm sorry your plans were a little ruined but hey! I still had a great time (= THANKS.

7 days ago.
Bella, Audrey, Cindy, Terky, and Si Hong celebrated my birthday for me! GIRLS I HEART YOU! It was seriously good meeting all of 'em after such a long time, and believe me when I say I couldn't have gotten any happier that day.
ALTHOUGH the alcohol was too little to get me started and we sat in a cheapo (aka GST-less) place, but really, closely huddled together hearing each other's summary of "what happened recently" was great. No one was hiding anything, and for once I truely feel comfortable in front of them 'cos I know that they'll never misunderstand me for who I am not.
All of us really missed each other and were willing to look for a day to meet up as frequently as we can to do our "so who had the shittiest week" and girlfriends, this relationship between us is something I don't see ending anywhere soon so let's all work hard towards our meet-ups despite our hetic schedules ok? SO that Bella can be telling us her Rendevous, I can be confessing my erotic life, Terkey her boring one, Cindy her single one, Si Hong her dramatic one, and of course Audrey her "aww" one.

3 days ago.
Christmas Eve! It was fun. Went to some DI girl's house for food and carolling practice, and the shocking part was, once I stepped into the house I saw SEBASTIAN CHEN YU REN! Yes that guy who's been off contact with me for the past 2 years. It was great seeing him again (= After count down we left, ( well given such a host who in the right mind would have stayed?) and I went to look for a friend for supper. Well after supper it was so damn late so we simply headed to the beach and hanged out there till like.. 4am-ish? We were so damn tired that by the time we sat down on the bus back to bishan we were already asleep and didn't wake up until the driver came over. HAHA. Thanks pal, great night ;)

Well that's about it, the more interesting stuff that is. But apart from this, I've been looking back at my entries and it dawned upon me that I've been really blogging bimbo lately. Maybe this is the result of having a 2nd blog to look after, especially when the more.. insightful I should say, stuff is over there. So for people who visits this blog, SOR-RAY (=

First Birthday Present Received!

2006-12-11T17:43:00.000+08:00

Man am I high.

Went shopping with my momma last night and she decided she'll get me my birthday gift there and then, and guess what? GUESS! (=

My long awaited wallet, gosh even the box looks great.

Looks great doesn't it? I'm smiling(=

A Case Of Truancy

2006-12-01T09:31:00.000+08:00

Wednesday was fun.

After the test ended at 9am, we were busy whispering across the class on where we should head to and sure enough, the facillitator looked rather pissed at the amount of people so insensitively discussing skipping class in his face, commenting about the level of boredom we are subjected to if we remain in school.

Once he left the class, it was time for us to hit the roads.
When your campus is in woodlands, where else can you head? TOWN of course (= Without further ado, I will release les pictures.

First up.

Sun-Shield: Wallet VS Styrofoam Cut-Out

HAHA. Guess the styrofoam cut to fit into the helmet was way too innovative to beat Mei How, opps I meant Wei How's classic "ma de re la!" face

Round Two.

Cute Couple: Hunchedback VS Doraemon Wannabes

Obviously James seemed more comfortable with me (=

Finally a non-competetive sweet picture.

A shot taken by an outsider, the only non-26B member who was invited.

What does this two pictures show you?

Boys are spastic when they're alone. Girls calm them down. (=

Round Three.

Courtship: Ol' School Propose VS Cunt Lapping

Contemporarily, cunt lapper should win BUT guess what? I'm ol' school sometimes (=

Aftermath? We were so high the next day we couldn't stop doodling.

More Birthday Wants!

2006-11-30T09:11:00.000+08:00

I noticed more stuff on spree that you can get me for my birthday!! alternatively, just head to Forever21 in town!

The more I do this the more I feel as if I run on dictatorship. HAHA.

Skull and Crossbones Hoody

Item URL HERE.

Floral Print Knit Top

Item URL HERE.

SS Strap Top

Item URL HERE.

Pinstripe Corset Top

Item URL HERE.

Eye Catching Baby Doll

Item URL HERE.

Houndstooth Shorts

Item URL HERE.

Floral Print Dress

Item URL HERE.

All these items are on F21 site and are spree-ed HERE and HERE if you wanna purchase it online instead of the boutique.

ARH. Don't start hating me for doing all this! (=

All I Want For My Birthday

2006-11-26T16:49:00.000+08:00

... is not my 2 front teeth. HAHA!

Ok let's get down to business. December is round the corner people, and instead of having to receive some silly photo frame or teddies for my birthday on the 20th, I'll be downright dirty and tell you EXACTLY what I'm wishing for.

Here goes the list!

all these are available HERE.

And of course, how bout a nice wallet?

yes it's from Guess. (=

Or else there's always cash vouchers you can purchase from these shops:
- Pull and Bear
- Forever 21
- ALDO

AND if you're someone I would want to go shopping with, bring me to shop for a pair of light blue skinny jeans and pay up for me!

oh and how could I have forgotten! Threadless!! Somebody GET me that Communist Party shirt PLEASE~!

I squeeze into anything that says XS.

Biennale Ended With A 2 Hour Trek.

2006-11-23T10:57:00.000+08:00

Biennale came to an end on the 12th November with one crazy volunteer party at a hot spot (literally) at Tanglin Camp.

Had a fun evening with Cin & Co, not to mention that Pen visited my afternoon shift at National Museum. Cin you still owe me photos! (=

I'm quite glad it ended but I'm sure not glad that we took a 2 hour trek from Tanglin Camp ALL THE WAY to Orchard Mrt. It was crazy. We were holding Volunteer Goody bags that comprised of 2 guidebooks, 2 slippers, 1 teeshirt, 1 mug, 2 pencil holders and 3 tapes! God this sure do suck. Not to mention that stupid frog along the way that freaked the shit outta me.

But anyway, here are some shots of Tanglin Camp in the day time.

gosh I love this lamp post.

and i realised it looks quite cool on -ve as well.

and there was this cute little flower down a place no one notices. too bad my camera isn't good enough for a clear-focus shot.

and of course! my own art works done during Biennale shifts. (=

A Proud Moment

2006-11-15T00:32:00.000+08:00

Class today was fun, yet a killer. What more can I say about lit.?
Contemporary Issues in Culture and Aesthetics. This module is a love I have to admit.

Well today's Reflection Journal question really did throw me off my chair just as the Facilitator prophesied. Guess what? Just because we did lit. today she decided it would be fun if all of us wrote a poem about ourselves and to give some explanations about it.

I was so prepared to spend at least 2 hours on it, but guess what?
Inspiration flow was uncontrollable, and within 30 minutes I conjoured up this.
I have to agree with Pen, it's quite good for an original unprofessional! (=

"I am not who she is in the mirror.
Joyful as she tries to be,
hidden sorrow you can see.
Her ways may get alluring,
yet it can be deciving.

While other children went out to play,
she wonders where's her daddy today.
An incomplete family is all that she has
although her momma fills in the rest.

Only two impressions of an only child,
either mature and stable or spoilt and wild.
Luckily for her she happens to be,
Not of the latter choice.

Parent's divorce is not easy to handle,
and with O levels it adds to a bundle.
Not to mention a bitter heart break,
that caused her poor soul to tremble and shake.

Healing in this case would take more than time,
and gosh i can't believe I'm making this rhyme.
Back to the point about me,
read on and you will see.

So around her heart all these piled up like stones,
in some of which that broke her bones.
But if you give her the love she needs,
in removing the stones you will then succeed.

With her maturity and stability,
you will see in her the ability,
to pick herself up when things do go wrong,
while humming some christian rock band's song.

Still she wil stumble,
still she may fall,
But she has the faith,
To fight through it all."

7 days after Baptism

2006-11-06T14:15:00.000+08:00

13 days ago I spoke of my fears and concerns about water baptism.

7 days after water baptism I have to say that the fears were underestimated.

Right before the baptism there was a never known before fear that took over me, I was shivering and jumpy, and there were tonnes of thoughts and voices going through my mind. The manifestation of the spirit shocked me and made me speechless.

It questioned my sincerity, my reliance on a certain item, my selfish acts, and everything else that makes me guilty. Judgement day seemed to have let me in on a sneak preview and seriously, it scared me.

Probably even Reuel was shocked to see me in such a state? I don't know, but I felt much better after seeing Sharon and settling on my Baptism name to be:

GABRIELLE

Nice name? It means "devoted to God".

I'll be addressing that issue on the other side, but other than that? This 7 days were great. I reconsider my actions before I do them, I spend more time with Sharon (more than just for the fact that she's leaving), and THANK GOD he found a job. Really, I cannot be more grateful.

4 days to water baptism

2006-10-25T11:49:00.000+08:00

It's wednesday now, and I only have 4 days before I get water baptism, which means more than just taking a dip in the water. Truthfully speaking, I'm not even sure if I'm that ready yet. It's like something long due and by the time it finally comes, you start to doubt it.

Not that I doubt this faith, but I doubt MY faith.
Would I really be changed? No wait, that isn't right. DO I want to be changed? There are many occasions on which I know for sure He can overpower it take control, and change the situation for me but just to face the brutal reality of my inner self, I am putting red lights to it.

I:
- shy away from being changed into a better person.
- refrain from admitting my wrong-doings
- avoid repentance

Is that what Roy calls a part-time Christian?
After the baptism there will be some things, but none the less quite difficult to lay off things, that I can no longer do.

It's not just the baptism, it's a promise made to a nosy friend who cares as well.
(more at the other side)

Just A Little More

2006-10-17T10:51:00.000+08:00

Watched World Trade Centre (WTC) last night, and I have to say that it's really good.

It did more that just bring back the raw and initial emotions of the tragedy back in September 11 2001. Mildly commercialised, special sound control, lights control, and setting made this a superb film.

Basically it was telling everyone the simplest message:

"Do you HAVE to wait for something this scale to fall onto us before everyone shows a little bit more love and concern for others? Don't neglect your loved ones along the way as it is them that will keep you alive in times of troubles like this."

Everday we affect other's moods with our own, why not make it a smile instead of a frown? Personally I hate to quarrel and not fix it before we leave each other, that feeling is too much to take for me, it robs my mind of liberty to think of anything else. Who knows if they die the next moment and you never have a chance to EVER say sorry again? Pure scariness. Morale of the story?

Be nice people.

ALL HAIL ME.

2006-10-07T22:59:00.000+08:00

I just reached home from a spiritual evening at church, followed by bumming around with Roy darling, and guess what I found in my email:

"It has been tough doing the selection, as many of you possess the passion and creativity to lead JIVE to greater heights. After some deliberation, Chronos and I have decided to expand the number of roles from 4 to 6, so that more talents can be admitted to serve JIVE.

The following people are to meet Chronos and myself on Wednesday for a compulsory briefing on your roles and responsibilities.

President: Ms Lee Zi Yan Crystal"

I guess I shall stick with my vow to quit since I've promised God and Pen, cos I don't want God to take back these blessings just because I can't control myself.
Pen help me, God, you too.

SOP

2006-10-04T12:21:00.000+08:00

I miss this blog already!

Been blogging some private entries these days so it's no news here.
BUT NOW THERE IS!

I got a hair job yesterday, and now, my hair is PURPLE!

Yes, Viva La Unglam.

YEA! but it looks kinda red here.

Caryn Chang - You better date me soon cos I'm getting pissed at the lack of activities going on between us! (dramatic sigh) Wei Zhe too!

Ok updated myself.
Shall head back to the world of Cells, Eukaryotics, and more weird stuff now.

somewhere else.

2006-10-01T20:06:00.000+08:00

Deleted the previous post as I felt the intrusion of privacy by prying eyes out there ( if you are one of them, slap your balls ), well not really deleted.

Moved it somewhere else, somewhere more private and exclusive.

5 days have went by

2006-09-27T10:57:00.000+08:00

Great.

I can finally blog about my the people this semester now that a full 5 days have passed by with them, and of course, having seen all the facillitators.

Frankly speaking, against all the emotions of missing W15N, I think that this class is seriously more than I hoped for. Initially all I was hoping for was NOT to land in the same class as a few people I don't really acknowledge as aquaintances. Upon seeing the class list, I was hoping they weren't a bunch of deaf & mute ( dumb is rude, by the way) people. Now? I realised they are just as aggresive and fun as W15N. Except that they are really quiet sometimes, most of the time. Possibly more time is needed? Whatever the case, I just need noise in the room so that it doesn't seem to resemble a library whenever I'm not talking.

Lets talk about the facillitators.
Having seen all 5 of them, I realised that Phyllicia Chew (Maths & Computing) wasn't that bad, 'cos with comparision I realised there are worst ones.
Janine ( Entreprise ) is fun, but I don't know if she'll surpass Jamie 'cos it's still too early to judge. Gan Koh ( Culture & Communications ) is, well I can't think of much to say except I look forward to her future lessons as she seems to have plenty to give. Then again, I still miss Denise Yim, that ass-faci from my previous semester.
I want Uncle Tam ( Basic Sciences ) back! He's simply more fun.
Who else? Oh. Cognitive, no comments. Well ok maybe one. He's just... a tad bit less interesting and engaging as my previous?

But oh well. Thou Shalt Not Stereotype.

Not like what this entry is about.

just when i thought so.

2006-09-21T23:31:00.000+08:00

It's pushing past breaking point soon.

As I was telling a certain friend online just moments ago, I seem to be drowning in a sudden downpour of emotional weariness.
I don't know why too, or maybe I do, but I don't wanna admit it by saying it out.

Yes we all know how stupid girls can get when it comes to love. Maybe it's more politely termed as blind instead of stupid, but nonetheless short of one sense or another here.

Those who been through it can definitely identify a case of stupidly running towards someone whom you know for sure isn't gonna make anything happen, yet nothing can stop you from running towards the dagger aimed at your heart.

Then there will be the times where you know for sure your happiness lies there yet you run away from it because of the more "superficial" ( " " beacause some people really do find these important, for instance me ) factors tied into the package.

It get's tiring when you keep waiting and waiting for the bus to come, and they do but its all the wrong numbers, and finally when the right bus DO arrive, you're too tired to board it.

last day of holidays

2006-09-20T10:14:00.000+08:00

For one thing, I realised that our school starts the earliest. There IS actually a price to pay for a 4-week Christmas break.

Boo-boo.

Had a fun day in town with half-face yesterday.
People were staring, pointing, laughing. I figured out that people found his spongeBOOB tee + girl's pants + emo hair very, well emo.

here are some shots.

full face and half-face.

I tried to put myself in Mervyn's shoe,

and this is what I see.

HAHA.
That's Deja Vu to all emo momos out there ain't it?
That's what everything looks like you you, no?

Anyway Mervyn is coming over in 30 mins to (yes i know how this sounds) to try my pants and see he wants any 'cos apparently he wants "in-the-crotch" tight jeans, so i decided it's time i got rid of my baggier jeans for CASH. Tasty tasty CASH.
I'm SO gonna make him help me do chores, yay!

she's leaving tomorrow

2006-09-09T13:09:00.000+08:00

She's gonna depart

now that she understands our misery.

i hope this doesn't change the closeness we learnt to share these days.

blast from the past

2006-09-09T00:17:00.000+08:00

had a fun day with Caryn a few days ago, finally got to spend time with her since like, decades ago.
Gilbert and friend joined us, they were crazy i swear.

To quote them?

" wa laos ehs. I is nots twits de lors. i dun friend you liaos lors. "
IMMATURE! haha. now i understand Caryn's feeling ;p

love ya darling, go out again soon aite.

it's getting out of hand

2006-09-07T23:57:00.000+08:00

Guilt-stricken, extremely.
and we know why

Seriously speaking, I was SO on the spur of it that it felt perfectly normal.
In fact I felt quite high.

Untill i saw him.
With her.

I've heard quite a bit of her, all good stuff.
Seeing her made me felt inferior enough, to make it worst still?
I was doing it when he saw me.

She, being such a nice girl and all nailed me thumbs down, i had to admit.
Inferiority issues? Certainly, most certainly.
It struck me real hard to see them together, catching me in the act.

I suddenly wondered if all this was worth it just for the sake of fulfilling some urge.
PLUS I had to risk the disappointment of a few particular people who don't turn away from me.

Right after I parted with Fizah, I couldn't bottle in my feelings anymore.
Shame, jealousy, inferiority, "screwed-up"ness.. All began to sink in.

I called BJK, panicking.
Over the phone she did not say much but I could hear it from her tone and her lack of response how she feels about it. And it made me feel terrible. Really terrible. I pissed her off thats for sure. Apart from that? I understood what was going on in her head, and it forced me to open my eyes to see my stupidity in this whole issue.

Not to mention that horrible label to bear.
I have to stop this, I MUST.
It's getting rather ridiculous.

Sorry.. To a few people out there who understands this post and feels pissed.

Biennale Opening Party '06

2006-09-06T23:17:00.000+08:00

Finally, the shots taken during the much publicised (by me) Biennale:

1st up, my new friend Cindy ( we call her Cin)

Voluteers gone crazy. Asri's from RP too!
MAJOR blowjob there, my friend.

As for what we produced there? Here you go:

PRETTY ain't it?

new obssession

2006-09-06T01:32:00.000+08:00

i'm seriously very obssessed with this show right now, not only due to the fact that the leads are beautiful, but it touches me in an unknown way. maybe it's the good music input?

here's the ad. of this show, and this hottie is the lead:

and there's another:

and another:

and another:

hot ain't he not? haha.

here's the opening theme:

for the sake of shunning prehenision

2006-09-04T22:58:00.000+08:00

For the very first time people, you will see Crystal blog in chinese.
Reason stated above (i'll probably burst if i don't blog this down) , I shall proceed.

终于可以自由的说话了，因为他看不懂华文所以我也是逼不得已写华语的。
上个星期我很坦白的把我对他的感觉告诉了BJK，我就知道她会说：“我觉得你真的应该给他一个机会，我觉得他的人不错。”

我也知道啊！天啊，可是我就是压抑不住那些肤浅的想法。
我真地想不通为什么我似乎每次都会对那些对我很好的男生提不起兴趣。
难道我就是注定不会遇到一个我又喜欢，而又对我好的人吗？

是我的要求太高吗?

说真的，我很想找一个会好好照顾我的人，可是我好像就是不甘心停止顺找更好的。
他其实真的是一个很好的人，可是他给不到我脸红心跳的感觉。
虽然我至今已经单身了三年了（不是没有人，而是没有对的人。），非常想谈恋爱，可是我也不想因此而随便找一个我不喜欢的人。

对的人快来找我好吗? 我已经等的精疲力捐了。

that's it I'm dying already. so much effort all to hide this from your eyes.

NEW WISH LIST!

2006-09-04T22:44:00.000+08:00

THIS is the reason why I need more cash:

- white hand bag
- ALDO's red heels
- TOPSHOP's skinny fit white jeans
- FNT's top
- new phone
- hair job
- Holga
- Perfume
- MONDO's heels

DAMN. I need a job.

will the last ever be a last?

2006-09-03T05:00:00.000+08:00

I've been on my bed since 1am but the pop-up blocker in my brain doesn't seem to be functioning, which explains why am I still awake after 3 hours 57 mins and counting.

Just didn't seem like I'll ever be able to sleep again if I don't blog this down.

After the cheesy performance ended, I met BJK for dinner as usual. On the way there I was bubbling with excitement, not that I'm a lesbo, but just the sheer anticipation of getting hold of the stuff she got for us.

For the past 2 days working my ass off in the Biennale '06, the urge had been quite strong for some reason or another.
I managed to get hold of one (from some artsy gay) during the Opening Party of Biennale, and within the next 24hours I got hold of another 10 from BJK.

Seriously, we went through quite some discussion and I'm sure we were both in a predicament before we decided on getting it (or even right now that we got rid of it). Predicament in the sense that we both knew it was sort of foolish and incorrect but then again even if we don't purchase it, we will still manage to get some from other people elsewhere be it on our own or together. Although there is the common understanding that we do not feel proud of this underground life, there was still inevitable distrust.

Not that I distrust BJK, but that I distrust myself more and to think of it, if we were to reach a stage where we can't even trust ourselves anymore, it's really quite sad. (I don't know if BJK can identify with this.)

Maybe that explains why I failed to fall asleep?

Right now we may be feeling stupid to think so much but then again who knows what "omega" would this "alpha" lead to? The main issue here is that we have overstepped our own values and principles, letting ourselves down over and over again (which lead to the distrust then, logically speaking).

I think it is, like what we keep telling ourselves, all in the mind.
It is not the action itself in any wrong, but rather, the way we let it win over ourselves, trampling our pride with the idea of hypocrisy to none other than yours truly.
Not that it will really be a last but just that we won't ever be addicted to it again.
Believe that we are strong enough to fight back. Rock hard.

Crystal Dies In The Most Random Ways.

2006-09-03T04:36:00.000+08:00

Ok.
I was doing this out of boredom since I couldn't sleep.
Everyone else has it on their site, I can't lose out can't I?

Needless to say, I entered the site and typed in my Name and DOB.
This is what I got on the first try:

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Definitely not satisfied on being terribly missed by some electric appliance, I went back to see if they will roll different results on the exact same Name & DOB.
Round 2:

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

DAMN! Ninjas? The only thing I could agree with them was that cowboys suck (a lot).

Round 3:

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Why didn't I get the last laugh? NOT FAIR.
Round 4:

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

This sounds better I guess? But no harm trying another time ;p
Round 5:

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

YEA!! At last someone rich misses me although I die by King Kong's side.

raw fear

2006-08-29T00:24:00.000+08:00

press and release.
a gentle yet frustrated push.
light pours in through the door crack.

a blur shadow appears in the mirror.
" it's me. "

something gripped her heart,
stuffed her lungs,
and gouged out her soul.

it' s him.

" i just wanted to pass them this, it's something i got for them during the trip.
there's a card inside, pass it to them will you? i just want to see them.."

" leave.. and wait for the call. you know they don't wish to see you.."

takes over package, closes the door.

breathes.
she resumes her gaze to the laptop,
subconsiously ignoring the package dropped onto the seat next to her,
heart racing.

5 minutes of akward silence went by.

" don't you wanna see it? he said there's a card inside to you guys."

impatiently, she emptied the contents.

turkish tidbits, last minute aiport-bought keychains, turkish charm necklace.

" typical and insincere. " she muses to herself.

picking up the card with a dog on the cover, she raises an eyebrow.
the idea that it's from him fought back all her dog-loving nature.

squints her eyes at the wretched handwriting,
scanning through the contents.

lies, insincerity, putting on a show, nothing new.

she places the card faced down on the bar table,
turns around to head back to the sofa,
too weary to read beyond the third line.

" wait. come back. did you read this part? "

stopping dead in her tracks, she turns around,
an escalating sense of foreboring swallows her.

slowly leaning forward, she peers into the card once more.
magnifying each character written, creases formed between her brows.

"no.. impossible.. there's no way he could have found out. . who?
who could have fed him with this information? her.
no, he doesn't have her new contact number.
damn.. he really bugged the house didn't he?
what else does he know, what did he see... "

a series of thoughts raced through her mind.
the house spun, the lights dimmed, she knew she was losing it.
the knees gave way and she sinked to the ground, tears pouring down her face.

she randomly spotted something on the table that beckoned.
eyes regaining focus, she stared at the little white box decorated with health warnings.

damn all i need is one stick.

she sat down on the floor next to her, holding her while tears formed in her own eyes.
momentarily, her attention left that white box.

he's back.
he always comes back.
why can't he just leave us alone,
why does he have to disrupt the peace everytime i just settle down?

i fear what i see no end to.
i fear

you.

and i almost forgot.

2006-08-27T22:34:00.000+08:00

bloopers.

SCHOOL HAS ENDED.

Just as it had ended for my beloved W15N.

Here's the tribute to the party last wednesday, 23 Aug '06..
For one last time you will see all our retarded faces under one roof.

Don't wanna get too emotional here 'cos some of you probably had enough of the goodbye speech on OUR BLOG, but still I can't help but say, " I really miss you guys loads upon loads! "

There. I've said it. (sheds a tear or two reluctantly) Go out soon ok people? IM me for lunch, and to Xiang An, you better unblock all of us or else.... hahaha.

Seriously, I thought I'll not be that affected given my personality but then again I realised that 129 days really do mean quite a lot for 25 individuals who came together against all odds.
ok thats all folks.

a singaporean thing?

2006-08-27T17:27:00.000+08:00

I came to realise recently that, as much as our government trys to promote the acceptance of foreign talents and the profits of the China Market now (even more so in future), majority of Singaporeans still feel superior and look down on our fellow black hair black eyed mates from China.

What exactly do we deem ourselves superior for?
Is it for our inability to speak or write proper english or chinese, our lack of exposure to the outside world, or our special national language that sounds totally alien and impossible to comprehend to the ears of an outsider?

We laugh at the accent of our mates who speak pure chinese, mock them behind their backs, and judge their nation based on our shallow and superficial views of their "dirty streets" that we assume have never been through change since the Mao era. Other than those of us who have been to the few main cities of China in recent years, none stands to testify against the claims about China being nothing but "dirty streets".

We Singaporeans seem to have become overly conceited with the success of our nation that all we do is huddle in one big bunch together and blindly put others down.
While people in the states are plunging deep into Asia to learn our culture and language, we as Asians fail to master our own language properly and in some cases, are proud to proclaim their lousy command of their mother toungue.

Can we still hold our heads up high if we leave this place to venture into foreign lands, where neither english-speaking caucasians nor chinese-speaking mainlanders understand our alien language we call Singlish?

compliments to hopeisemo

2006-08-16T15:40:00.000+08:00

Hope is SO gonna love this video:

enjoy (=

something significant

2006-08-14T17:24:00.000+08:00

Time: Saturday night.
Setting: Cineleisure.
Characters: Roy, BJK, and I.

Against my sore-throat's fervent protests, we had freezing dinner in LJS (just the place for BJK ain't it Roy darling?), where we disovered the secret code to acquire 4 pieces of chicken in a 3 piece-meal.

When the Funny Looking Crew (FLC) served the 'Hot & Spicy 3 piece meal':
BJK : Woah! The chicken look like birds!
FLC: Well, yea it shrinked a little today, do you want one more?
BJK (exchanging sly glances with me) : OK! (says brightly)

Human's greed in action again, but still I didn't manage to finish it because we choose a seat so damn cold that BJK's nipples were erecting (not that she's complaining) and my legs were shivering due to it's lack of cloth. Of course, darling Roy provided me his shirt so that I can cover my shivering legs. Also, I decided that Roy was really girlfriend material so he's my new Girlfriend (= Yes baby gimme a hug there ya'll? Anyway back to the main issue.

I know only so well that BJK had an urge coming on and so did I so we were comtemplating who the middle man and who the pimp should be.
I didn't want to look too whore since I was wearing a mini-skirt, so i made BJK be the middleman and ask the maud pimp next to us.
He wanted to give BJK his dick we ( Roy & I) swear.

Having got hold of the stuff we need, we began to hunt for a secluded place to test it out knowing too well that we would only bring about embarrassement to oursleves if we just did it right outside cineleisure.

Shall not blog about the whole damn process 'cos that's something special to us 3 who was there, but i have got to talk about this.
We came to realisation that it was WAY overated but the amount of people doing it says otherwise so we don't really understand why.

More importantly, I realised why people always tell us to NEVER begin (at first I thought that was only in reference to the addiction issue), 'cos after the trying the first, you won't mind the second.
So what happens when some retard offer one to you?
You think to yourself, "Since I already did it so why NOT? "

So the question now lies here. Will there be a 2nd scene to this, BJK? 'Cos my premonition says more. Will you, BJK? Or rather, will we?

POP ART !

2006-08-09T00:32:00.000+08:00

i'm so into doing this effect thing nowadays.

currently I think its rather pretty but I don't know for how long more, 'cos I'll probably realise it's ugly a few months down the road, and be obsessed with another kind of effect. BUT my mates say its nice so why bother for the time being. (=

YAY-ness!!

ok that's all folks. (=

CWO continues.

2006-08-09T00:12:00.000+08:00

here goes another.

COOL HUH?

but i have to admit it's rather shabby still, 'cos of my intelligent usage of a improper software for photo editing.

THRUDEPTHSOFFIRE.

CWO

2006-08-08T23:50:00.000+08:00

yeap.

Cam Whoring Org.

Basically that's what the 4 of us has been doing for the past few days, going around the campus looking for spots than take tonnes upon tonnes of photos.
Band shots, bimbo shots, sleep shots...

Gotta give myself some credit for editing this photos using a shabby & shameful software :

yes i did this cover.

suggestive captions ;)

and stupid blogger wouldn't let me upload anymore so, next entry then.

sense of a family

2006-08-06T14:43:00.000+08:00

I just finished brunch, and while I was washing the dishes it suddenly dawned upon me that this is the first time I stepped into the kitchen to do clean up ever since my dad moved out last year.

In fact we stopped dining in altogether since his departure.
Probably this was why I wanted to avoid my grandmama so much, because her stay with us brings back all that "family" feeling that I tried so hard to dodge for the past 1 year 2 months and counting. Although I didn't feel any emotional attachments nor any sad feelings, but it's just that I felt revelation.

Who knows? Maybe this was the very thing God wanted me to let go of slowly, thus sending my Grandmama over here out of the blue to help me conquer my fears, plunging deep into many aspects that I tried to hide from myself all these while.

I realised that, although this sounds cliche enough, but time really does heal, and that I may forgive, but I will never forget. 1 year plus has passed by; although I still hate it when I see pictures of my dad and I, or things related to him, but at least I know that inside me, I don't mind as much when we talk about him and sooner or later, I will not feel anything anymore.

Talking about family, I had a really nice time with Bella last night. We talked a lot, as usual, but yesterday we went more into serious topics and I had to say that it felt really good.

B.J KOH (if you're reading this) :
I wanna tell you I really appreciate your presence and, although we're down to only meeting once a week or so, I do think 'bout you whenever I'm too stressed to breathe or simply when something funny happened. I love the fact that there's nothing we can't talk about, and I don't feel ashamed telling you all my deep dark thoughts (you know what I'm talking about). Even more so, I love the fact that I have got you as my bestie in my life. Thank God for you, Thank You for you. (=

Anyway I was telling Bella that its high time I get myself a boyfriend, and Bella's proud of me that I don't jump blindly into a relationship although I do want to be in love. (= AND I'm proud of Bella for not sprouting nonsense when she's drunk. haahas.

I'm gonna prepare myself and head out now, so for the time being, That's All Folks.
Go Offline, Get Drunk, Go Make out, Get Wild.

snapping under stress

2006-08-03T14:52:00.000+08:00

YES I KNOW.

Losers snap under stress but gotta admit that it's just human to snap. AND particularly, the human happened to be me today.

First bad thing that happened today? I met my least favourite couple AGAIN. Then I waited for my friend to fetch me at yishun, but he was late so in the end I missed the UT (test). Next? DAMN. They announced they friggin' team and GOD DAMN IT I was teamed with the All-15N-Rejects.

Am I supposed to be high about that? I just want to take a drag.
The All-15N-Rejects is (drumrolls) :
- Bibi
( domineering yet dumb female from India, cultural difference you say? I don't think that is an excuse for being stupid. )
- Thilina
( Bibi's lover, from Sri Lanka. )
- Nooh
( most carefree aka senile )
- Alicia
( let's just say she's a Pentium 1, i'm a Pentium 3. She's never on the same frequency.)
- Yi Hao
( At least he is the only other member that I can communicate with. BUT he seem's a little half-brained today too. Not he's usual self. )

WHAT THE BANANA?! My god. Any sane being will know that this is definitely not people to associate me with but just to rub it in, my facilitator actually announced why she placed the teams this way.

" I purposely grouped you guys this way so that you work better. Like for those foriegn students, you guys can communicate easier, and I hope you guys can learn from each other as I group you people this way so that it is people similar to you, or something that links to you."

- jamie (entreprise facilitator)

GREAT!! Since when did I join the team-rejects? I don't see ANY link here. Its not like I speak Tamil, Sinhala, or Malay ya'll.

When we brainstorm or do worksheet, all I see is 5 expectant faces looking at me (well maybe not 5, since 1 senile guy is staring at his screen smiling).
I give my idea, hoping to hear some re-butting to push the brainstorming process forward, but all I get back is nodding heads (or rather swaying for 2 particular members) saying, " Yes, I understand, is it (blahblahblah).. "

Guess what (blahblahblah) is? Bascially, it is everything I did NOT just say. Great! Brainstorming with Me, Myself & I. How far can I go? They think everything I say is supposed to be THE answer and it is supposed to be CORRECT. When the faci puts me down telling me its wrong? They stare, whisper. COM'ON! What did you guys who did not say anything expect from me? Please hear me cry God damn GOD DAMN!

But then again I already feel rather ashamed for letting June see me cry outside class and moments later I broke down and cried IN class. How unglam is that ya'll?! These bunch of people are the first to see me shed tears in RP, and I hope the record stays there.

Good Day to You, You and You. Tomorrow is SO gonna suck.

dreadfulness

2006-07-26T22:14:00.000+08:00

just finished doing up the room in anticipation of my grandmama who's landing in Singapore tomorrow evening.

and guiltily, I admit that I'm dreading her landing. Not that I don't love my grandmama, but I'm just afraid that her stay with us will mess up my current lifestyle.

what a shity granddaughter huh? I don't know for sure why this mixed emotions too. hmms.

YEA going to Planet Shakers' concert on 11 Aug with Bellalala & Co. (= damn well glad 'bout it!

CARYN: you little fuckerette. WHERE'D YOU GO? I MISS YOU SO. better date me soon and very soon before I go down to NP and hunt down your scurry little ass. ;)

hmm. i feel that i'm bloggin' just 'cos i was in a not-so-good mood today but yet i don't know what to type type type.

Just to recount?

I met my least favourite couple this morning in the MRT and it was really SICK seeing them so lovey-dovey whee whee. It seemed so damn deliberate and URGH. I really don't like them. Especially when she keeps giving me that "look-at-me-I-won-him" face ever since she got the impression I've got something for him. Always trust a girl who stole boyfriends to continue the habit and think of every other girl as an enemy to fight off i guess. Conclusion ? YUCKS to them.

BUT anyway, the rest of the day was alright with the company of my darling Fizahahaha. Yeap she's the one that always go around the school hunting down eye candies with me. And not to mention that I ALWAYS manage to catch her in her most unglam moments. RIGHT FIZAH? haha.

Anyway, back to my Grandmama. GOD BLESS ME PLEASE, amen.

irritating shit

2006-07-23T02:07:00.000+08:00

was with bellalalala in town just now, (I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!), and we were talking 'bout "you-know". haahas. ok, to admit, i don't feel the leaset guilty for talking 'bout her, 'cos thats the way she simply is, but we still do love her. hahaas. spastic i know. contradicting myself - something i love to do.

well there was more to go, while sipping Bellalala's "HATES IT!" carrot juice. She always treats us as the 2nd tier of dates doesn't she? DAMN. but she's still a darling.

TERKEY LOOK HERE! I miss you but I hate you. You know that doncha fucktard? (=

fuckers exist, life goes on,

2006-07-17T15:14:00.000+08:00

Before I do continue, I need to get my SOP done :

" damn YOU fucker, DAMN YOU! fucking arroganter Bastard. please simply fuck off and die, mother fucker, DIE! "

OK, with that out, I can finally rant without choking my fingers on typing too much vulgarites.
I got teamed with Chris (yes the same fucker you met a few entries ago), AND the situation was even worse with me being 30 mins late. Naturally when you're late, you would take some time to settle in and blend into the team's pace yes? WELL this fucker over here was throwing pails and pails of ice water on me :

Me : Eh what's going on huh? Can someone explain the situation and tell me what to do?

Chris : Aiya Crystal, you this type of brain tell you also no point la.

Me : So how do you fucking expect me to do my stuff?

June/Fazillah : Eh cool it man, we're actually doing ...(blah blah blah)...

This is only ROUND 1. (there will be more infuriating moments)

I tried to brush it aside and told myself that, "Hey, maybe I should just ignore him and try to OMMMM (palms together) for the rest of the day and maybe bullets won't fly?" I later realised, TOO NAIVE. There was yet more to come.

I finally settled a little after 5 mins and WHAM, came this shit:

Me: OH! I think I'm finally getting this shit, so given this situation, how do you work out this data over here?

June: Well, you just take ...( and was cut off )..

Chris: WA LAO EH, you so damn fucking stupid explain also no use la, fucking DUMB lor!

Me : I didn't ask you right? And can you just at least fucking shut up? At least let me TRY la!

MY GOD. I swear i would have stabbed his eyeball if I only had a sharp object. PLUS the worst thing is round after round you try to calm yourself but round after round you get slapped in the face. BUT being as "Godly" as I TRY, I once again attempted to PEACE OUT.

After which another fucked up incident happened and I simply threw the words there and walked out of my class.
DAMN man, I have a not too small ego to take care of, and it can only go so low. I quit. No point being the only one there trying to make things work here.

It occured to me as I was going home, about how Chris used to mention that he lived alone since primary school days? Well it striked me that as pitiful as some people may seem to you, they can be the same amount if not more fucked up.

Well i'm not saying this out of fury you know. Think about it, isn't there at least one person that you know who is rather pitiful but they might be like, damn irritating, egoistic, etc.? Maybe its their lack of self-confidence in which some try to cover up by being doublely egoistic, and others, insecurities probably? When they eventually piss everyone off and people start turning away, they fall back into self-pitying, thinking to themselves, "Am I not pitiful enough? Now that they turn away I am all alone again.. Why am i SO pitiful? Why me God? WHY~~" ( before I get carried away,) Isn't this like, a vicious cycle they never jump out of? GEE. Maybe thats why there are so many social workers around?

the camera don't lie

2006-06-29T14:29:00.000+08:00

ahh. (bella please dont condemn me for this post)

i was skimming through my pictures from '04 - '06 and i realised one damn thing.
nah its not the "DAMN i look old"thing. But rather, i realised that my pictures in '04 showed me to be happy, as in really smiling inside out. The pictures i took in the first 5-8 months of '05 were still relatively joyful ones provided i had a friend with me then that saw me through a lot of things that happened.

Well yea he was really THERE for me all the time although we quarelled and stuff (and i wonder if this friend of mine will ever stumble across this page man, if you do, call me! haha). Later on this friend got really busy with his poly stuff, so we sorta lost contact.. He seriously changed then, and I could tell.. I was kinda lost at first, I think I was growing too dependent of this friend cos I'm so damn used to having him around to hear me out or simply give me a big hug when things happened, so yea as I said, was kinda lost without him. (The kitchen looks kinda empty without this friend around to cook now, I don't think I've stepped inside to cook anything at all ever since the last time he cooked at my place.)

At first I still looked him up, but later after a few times of "i'm busy now, msg you tomorrow kae?" I think I got sorta fed up cos his "tomorrow" never came, so I stopped looking for him to try to seek comfort and tried to be strong on my own. It was really difficult due to the stuff I was going through then, so the pictures then were, well, FAKE. In the sense that I was smiling but if you compare it with those pictures I took back in '04 and first half of '05? BIG difference.

I tried numbing myself by piling my work load, continuously mugging for my O's, but still there were points of breakdown for me every now and then. SERIOUSLY, i promised myself its time to grow up and be strong, to stop depending on others. But DAMN its real hard to keep this promise man. Wake up calls are difficult to respond to I guess? There were a few occasions where I really stumbled, breaking down, so I sorta ignored my promise and tried to contact him, but everytime it was a rather wrong timing cos he was always either busy or tired, so I stopped trying to look.

It wasn't just that I missed his presence but its also that I NEEDED him. I was getting so used to his presence to the extent that I had NEVER considered possibilities of him not being around. In the emotional sense here okae. I just didn't have anyone else's arms whom I could turn to and bury myself in. (sounds more than just friends huh, at that point of time I questioned myself if I fell for him, but after some time I realised that I just didn't know what to do without him around, not that I fell for him. ) I recalled the times when we quarelled, fought, but I think all that was better then the silence we now share. I thought we really had a connection back then? We were almost telephatic. Back when we were still close, our concern for each other always overstepped the "friends" border. Our emotions were quite affected by each other's, we got worried about each other to the point we were angry. I think our relationship was a kinda blur one cos sometimes we were friends, sometimes it felt little more than that, plus all the voices around us questioning our relationship. kind irritating yea.. Truthfully I always felt somewhat inferior around him cos of how he portrayed himself to be. His critisisms, be it jokingly or in the real sense were all quite hurtful to me, maybe because I felt that he was the only thing I had around me then. Even though I still forced myself to laugh, somewhere inside it sorta feels bitter. Some friend huh?

I guess I myself was confused about our relationship and had to keep reminding myself that "no he is not my boyfriend, I don't have that right to be caring so much". Soon after came the post-prelim period where Ryuta came in, and mugged with me all the time. I hate to say this but I was always trying to find traces of that friend in Ryuta, and eventually hurt Ryuta because of my selfishness. What a sucker I know..

On the day I left for Hong Kong after my O levels, he came to send me to the airport. It was good to see him after a period of 4 months that I can say. Before departure, I hugged everyone else there, but was rather hesitant to walk into his arms. I had finally managed to stand up by myself for a bit and I was afraid that being in his arms again might cause everything that I had just managed to build up simply collapse. BUT, my body and heart got the better of me and I gave him one quick hug and left. *mmm.. that familiar scent* The whole time in Hong Kong? I missed his presence even more than before, cos the time i spent in Hong Kong wasn't really an enjoyable one. Terrible things were happening and just the thought of being so far from him crippled me. I really wonder man, how is it possible for him to forget about a friend so easily just like that? Do you really want to get past our friendship that badly?

Right now? I'm already in the 2nd term of the 1st semester, and I really believe that this is it man, high time i should be moving on. Its already been more than 7-8 months since we last saw each other, and now, although I still do stumble like a child, I will stand again and walk away from this epidemic with the graces of a lady.

bye, till we meet again.

woah DRUM SET!

2006-06-22T11:15:00.000+08:00

hahas.

truthfully speaking, i almost forgot this blog exisited. SORRY BLOG! hahas.

Well this few weeks have been alright for me except Father's Day (fucker's day) and it's eve. Rather terrible. i'll talk about that later.

RIGHT NOW UP FRONT: DRUMS!

haahas. ima dying to get a set man. Still trying to decide between TAMA Superstar or PEARL Export or Pearl Session. Ideas anyone? PLEASE TAG. ima gonna sell my piano then use the $$ to buy the set. SWEELEE SALE! whee~

haaha. i feel kinda dumb 'cos i don't dare to ask that fucker for $ to buy this set 'cos i can't really anticipate what kinda words is gonna come out from his filthy mouth. yeap i'm referring to my biological father.

oh ya. last saturday when i was in service? well i totally forgot that Fucker's Day existed, so when the announcenments said something about the stall having discounts for Fucker's Day, my face was like --> 0_0

This is actually the first Fucker's Day that I had to endure since my parents seperated, and I'm sure eventually I'll get numb and oblivious to it but RIGHT NOW? This emotion kinda suck. I feel as if that fucker is dead and most of the people around have a Dad to say "HAPPY FATHER'S DAY" to, while I don't. In fact he was more like this "father that i never had" cuz he wasn't really AROUND to be there for me when a lot of things happened so.. ya.

BUT OF COURSE, things are a lil' better as my uncle (my mom's younger bro) totally treats me like his own. So i said a BIG "HAPPY DADDY's DAY" to him instead. How I wish he really was my Dad man. All that concern, fun, spoiling me, crapping with me.. *sigh*

damn emo aren't i? lol. i know. some things do force you to grow up and let you feel detached from the rest of the world.

I DON'T WANNA CLOSE MY EYES

2006-06-02T10:51:00.000+08:00

hahas.

'Cos she had a bad day (=
Yea man, tml is my holidays woo-hoo!! BUT that also signifies the ending of one semester with W15N and theres only one more semester left with them before we change classes so, boo-hoo..

yeap I GOT MYSELF A JOB. and I tell ya, the pay is kinda GOOD baby.. (= sunpage dunno dunno dunno what. haahas.

As I'm writing this, our whole class is cam-whoring, again. haahas. THIS IS SO DAMN GOOD MAN. toay is science but no one is stressing out because its HOLIDAY MOOD on and on!

GOSH i'm crapping man.. I LOVE THESE PEOPLE MAN.

amen.

damn man DAMN.

2006-05-18T10:42:00.000+08:00

FCUK i'm pissed.

what a long time man.. I hardly remember the last time i blogged. hmms.

back to the main topic, as I was saying:
FUCK i'm pissed.

One good thing about rotating groups daily its that you don't get bored, bad thing? When you land with people you simply cannot work with.

Today? Great Lord I landed with Chris. Yes fucking Chris that is.
A person who is never able to take comments, BE IT POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE. Yes. You say he's cute, he say's you're not. You say he should stop doing his fucking little anti-facillitator rituals, he tells you he's loving it. For those who don't know, RP grades on daily performance thus we don't have any exams or whatever you call it. BUT this system sucks when you have people in your group (and i mean Chris here) that HAS to retaliate to every damn thing the faci is saying. If you don't fucking give a damn about your fucking grades, that's YOUR fucking problem kae. You don't have to turn the faci against all of us you know. Even if you don't like the faci, just keep it within our own discussion will you? You don't bloody well have to throw that message right smack center into the faci's face.

Oh and in case you haven't noticed, your doings is INDEED turning every fucking single one of us off. It's not a cool thing to be doing you immature asshole.
GET A LIFE. It doesn't just revolve around pissing everyone off you know.

This is so damn frustrating. It's only 11:30am, I still have to face him till 4pm. Grrreat man.

GOOD DAY EVERYONE.

still i can't believe this is hapenning.

2006-04-27T12:03:00.000+08:00

yea i know i just posted moments ago.
but my mood is in the lowest of the lows right now. I'm sitting in class supposedly doing some math shit, and while i'm blogging the previous entry my tears are at the verge of my eyes and this suck 'cos I dun wanna look like some fked up emo kid who's crying in class. SO i headed for the toilet. yes I know, cliche to hide in the toilet and cry huh. BUT i could really use a beer right now? too bad RP don't sell beer. Or else I'll definitely get a dozen or two and wash it down.

i SO hate my current situation.

Judas TRADUCED?

2006-04-14T17:21:00.000+08:00

With the not so recent discovery of the shabby papyrus Judas wrote on some 2000 years ago, comes the latest subject of orthodox controversy.

Judas, a BETRAYER of Jesus Christ. WAS HE or WAS HE NOT?

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2006/0406_60406_gospel.html

click on the link to see what the professionals have to say.

Some leaders of various churches gave almost immediate responses as such. "Outrageous!" and "Shouldn't be taken too seriously because we the 4 gospels that we already have is good enough to hold our faith."

From the documentary, it was said that there were actually more than 30 over Gospels, but John, Mark, Matthew, Luke were the chosen four to be used for preaching means, and the rest were for more advanced level of believers such as pastors. Afterwhich they will evaluate the passage and skim it, then deliver the message to us. This makes perfect sense but why are they sort of REJECTING the gospel of Judas?
Is it because the discovery challenged their deepest beliefs, and is against all their years of preaching?

In Revelations (last chapter of the bible), it was actually prophesied that nearing armageddon, there would be growing numbers of false news and prophets to shaken our faith in the Lord.
Is this what He is saying? False prophets? Maybe some things are just not meant to be found out. At least not until the day i meet face to face with my God Lord Daddy.

day ONE orientation

2006-04-10T18:07:00.000+08:00

haahas.

this is truly a terribly FUNNY day.

first i woke up without remembering why in the world did my alarm clock go off in the wee hours of the morning (6.30am). haahas. next thing i know? i'm tumbling out of the door at 7.25 fumbling with the keys muttering, "SHIT I'M LATE".

then ah ban calls me to tell me that he'll be pretty late, asks me go off first. So i met geng hui and christopher (pri sch friends), and HIT THE ROADS.

walking and walking and walking and walking, i realised. the ROAD TO RP is like SILK ROAD. as soon as we conquered that grassy lands, i jumped into the RPC cuz its AIR_CONDITIONED man. never felt happier. (=

and so, failing to locate the lift, Esther and I walked all the way up to 4th and 5th floor respectively. pushing the handles, the whole room turned to look who joined them, and my first reaction was, "yo?" gosh i sure looked comical.

the REPORTING time was supposed to be 8.30 am, i reached at 9.10am thinking i was late, but guess what the last person came at 10.30. woosh man. TRASH-FILLED day cuz the facillitator was from china but had to teach in english so all of us had difficulties catching whatever he had to say. in the end everyone was MAPLE-ing, DOTA-ing, MSN-ing, BLOGging, and what have you.

the earliest class to dismiss was 11.30am, guess what man. 2.30pm and we were still there. yes doing our own stuff. GREAT! all my companions have gone by the time i dismissed.

at this fateful moment my new friend, YEN YIN (material science dip.), decided that i could wait with her for her other 2 friends if i didn't mind. being the lonely lil' girl left by herself, why should i mind? haahas. and so we waited. and waited. and THEY ARRIVED! my first impression was, "woah, who's that IT guy and that malay mud punk?" to my surprise, the IT guy ( Sheang Keat) is not a IT guy afterall, but a Supply Chain Management. and that malay mud punk? well he wasn't malay. he's a lil' bit of chinese, eurasian, portugual, and malacca. hahaas, he himself can make up the United Nations man.

and so we had a fun-filled afternoon at causeway macs crapping, and banglah-laughing. HAHAAS.

right now?
i'm sitting at bishan macs showing off my fiance aka `RAIN. with my new matching pink mouse. aww. so PINK. and i'm tired. so bye for the time being.

`muack muack RAIN.