Thursday, June 29, 2006
the camera don't lie
ahh. (bella please dont condemn me for this post)
i was skimming through my pictures from '04 - '06 and i realised one damn thing.
nah its not the "DAMN i look old"thing. But rather, i realised that my pictures in '04 showed me to be happy, as in really smiling inside out. The pictures i took in the first 5-8 months of '05 were still relatively joyful ones provided i had a friend with me then that saw me through a lot of things that happened.
Well yea he was really THERE for me all the time although we quarelled and stuff (and i wonder if this friend of mine will ever stumble across this page man, if you do, call me! haha). Later on this friend got really busy with his poly stuff, so we sorta lost contact.. He seriously changed then, and I could tell.. I was kinda lost at first, I think I was growing too dependent of this friend cos I'm so damn used to having him around to hear me out or simply give me a big hug when things happened, so yea as I said, was kinda lost without him. (The kitchen looks kinda empty without this friend around to cook now, I don't think I've stepped inside to cook anything at all ever since the last time he cooked at my place.)
At first I still looked him up, but later after a few times of "i'm busy now, msg you tomorrow kae?" I think I got sorta fed up cos his "tomorrow" never came, so I stopped looking for him to try to seek comfort and tried to be strong on my own. It was really difficult due to the stuff I was going through then, so the pictures then were, well, FAKE. In the sense that I was smiling but if you compare it with those pictures I took back in '04 and first half of '05? BIG difference.
I tried numbing myself by piling my work load, continuously mugging for my O's, but still there were points of breakdown for me every now and then. SERIOUSLY, i promised myself its time to grow up and be strong, to stop depending on others. But DAMN its real hard to keep this promise man. Wake up calls are difficult to respond to I guess? There were a few occasions where I really stumbled, breaking down, so I sorta ignored my promise and tried to contact him, but everytime it was a rather wrong timing cos he was always either busy or tired, so I stopped trying to look.
It wasn't just that I missed his presence but its also that I NEEDED him. I was getting so used to his presence to the extent that I had NEVER considered possibilities of him not being around. In the emotional sense here okae. I just didn't have anyone else's arms whom I could turn to and bury myself in. (sounds more than just friends huh, at that point of time I questioned myself if I fell for him, but after some time I realised that I just didn't know what to do without him around, not that I fell for him. ) I recalled the times when we quarelled, fought, but I think all that was better then the silence we now share. I thought we really had a connection back then? We were almost telephatic. Back when we were still close, our concern for each other always overstepped the "friends" border. Our emotions were quite affected by each other's, we got worried about each other to the point we were angry. I think our relationship was a kinda blur one cos sometimes we were friends, sometimes it felt little more than that, plus all the voices around us questioning our relationship. kind irritating yea.. Truthfully I always felt somewhat inferior around him cos of how he portrayed himself to be. His critisisms, be it jokingly or in the real sense were all quite hurtful to me, maybe because I felt that he was the only thing I had around me then. Even though I still forced myself to laugh, somewhere inside it sorta feels bitter. Some friend huh?
I guess I myself was confused about our relationship and had to keep reminding myself that "no he is not my boyfriend, I don't have that right to be caring so much". Soon after came the post-prelim period where Ryuta came in, and mugged with me all the time. I hate to say this but I was always trying to find traces of that friend in Ryuta, and eventually hurt Ryuta because of my selfishness. What a sucker I know..
On the day I left for Hong Kong after my O levels, he came to send me to the airport. It was good to see him after a period of 4 months that I can say. Before departure, I hugged everyone else there, but was rather hesitant to walk into his arms. I had finally managed to stand up by myself for a bit and I was afraid that being in his arms again might cause everything that I had just managed to build up simply collapse. BUT, my body and heart got the better of me and I gave him one quick hug and left. *mmm.. that familiar scent* The whole time in Hong Kong? I missed his presence even more than before, cos the time i spent in Hong Kong wasn't really an enjoyable one. Terrible things were happening and just the thought of being so far from him crippled me. I really wonder man, how is it possible for him to forget about a friend so easily just like that? Do you really want to get past our friendship that badly?
Right now? I'm already in the 2nd term of the 1st semester, and I really believe that this is it man, high time i should be moving on. Its already been more than 7-8 months since we last saw each other, and now, although I still do stumble like a child, I will stand again and walk away from this epidemic with the graces of a lady.
bye, till we meet again.
2:29 pm
Do you wannabe a superstar?
