Sunday, September 03, 2006
will the last ever be a last?
I've been on my bed since 1am but the pop-up blocker in my brain doesn't seem to be functioning, which explains why am I still awake after 3 hours 57 mins and counting.
Just didn't seem like I'll ever be able to sleep again if I don't blog this down.
After the cheesy performance ended, I met BJK for dinner as usual. On the way there I was bubbling with excitement, not that I'm a lesbo, but just the sheer anticipation of getting hold of the stuff she got for us.
For the past 2 days working my ass off in the Biennale '06, the urge had been quite strong for some reason or another.
I managed to get hold of one (from some artsy gay) during the Opening Party of Biennale, and within the next 24hours I got hold of another 10 from BJK.
Seriously, we went through quite some discussion and I'm sure we were both in a predicament before we decided on getting it (or even right now that we got rid of it). Predicament in the sense that we both knew it was sort of foolish and incorrect but then again even if we don't purchase it, we will still manage to get some from other people elsewhere be it on our own or together. Although there is the common understanding that we do not feel proud of this underground life, there was still inevitable distrust.
Not that I distrust BJK, but that I distrust myself more and to think of it, if we were to reach a stage where we can't even trust ourselves anymore, it's really quite sad. (I don't know if BJK can identify with this.)
Maybe that explains why I failed to fall asleep?
Right now we may be feeling stupid to think so much but then again who knows what "omega" would this "alpha" lead to? The main issue here is that we have overstepped our own values and principles, letting ourselves down over and over again (which lead to the distrust then, logically speaking).
I think it is, like what we keep telling ourselves, all in the mind.
It is not the action itself in any wrong, but rather, the way we let it win over ourselves, trampling our pride with the idea of hypocrisy to none other than yours truly.
Not that it will really be a last but just that we won't ever be addicted to it again.
Believe that we are strong enough to fight back. Rock hard.
5:00 am
Do you wannabe a superstar?
